People from all over the world write to me, mostly women but sometimes it is a man, asking about what they can do to help their family member, loved one or partner “control” his or her anger. Or how they can help “diffuse” their partner’s anger. They say that their partner is “such a good guy” and his only flaw is his “anger problem.” Or they feel sorry for their out-of-control child or abusive parent. The intention to help is good but it is misplaced as it enables the angry person to stay as he is. This article is my response to the letters I’ve received where one person wants to take responsibility for another person’s problem of anger.
I use the pronoun “he” in this article as research shows that men are more angry than women. The research shows that men are angrier than women. Women have structural differences in their brain that work with emotions, so that women can more easily inhibit the anger response. The higher testosterone level revs up in men and sets the stage for more aggression.