People from all over the world write to me, mostly women but sometimes it is a man, asking about what they can do to help their family member, loved one or partner “control” his or her anger. Or how they can help “diffuse” their partner’s anger. They say that their partner is “such a good guy” and his only flaw is his “anger problem.” Or they feel sorry for their out-of-control child or abusive parent. The intention to help is good but it is misplaced as it enables the angry person to stay as he is. This article is my response to the letters I’ve received where one person wants to take responsibility for another person’s problem of anger.
I use the pronoun “he” in this article as research shows that men are more angry than women. The research shows that men are angrier than women. Women have structural differences in their brain that work with emotions, so that women can more easily inhibit the anger response. The higher testosterone level revs up in men and sets the stage for more aggression. In addition, aggression is considered to be more acceptable in boys and men and is modeled for them by Hollywood through violent movies. Boys usually like the more violent computer games. Women typically take the peacekeeper role, although recently more and more women are acting in aggressively angry ways. Women are typically the care takers of the relationship. Most men are notorically lacking in relationship skills.
The theme of this article is that people will get away with whatever you let them get away with. Anger can be used as a destructive emotion that too many people get away with. When you allow bad behavior to go unchecked, it increases whether it comes from your child, partner or parent. You teach how to treat you and if you put up with abuse, then that is what you will get.
Most people do not know what to do with anger other than exploding it or stuffing it. Anger is the most complicated emotion, because it is so complex with many aspects. There are thirty-plus sub skills of anger and few people are even aware that they exist.
You may have grown up in a household where people were unkind to one another with their anger or one where the adults avoided conflict. Most of our parents did not know how to do anger well. You learned what your parents modeled in their actions towards each other and the children. Now you probably play out your parent’s patterns of submission or dominance and exploding anger in your own relationships.
Read more about the complexity of loving an angry person at the author’s website.
Author: Lynne Namka, Ed. D.