An appropriate boundary is that invisible line that separates your from the rest of the world. Within your boundary is that personal space where you feel safe and secure. In healthy relationships where neither person needs to control the other, both partners have an understanding of fairness and the others person’s needs. They grant each other the right to have psychological space and look out for small ways to create happiness for the other person.
Abuse within a relationship can happen when appropriate boundaries are not set and kept. Status aggression is a concept from the animal-pecking order of some species using violence to establish dominance. Status aggression is the misuse of power where the older, larger or meanest person uses anger and rage to make others submit to his wishes because he can get away with it. Children learn abusive behavior from parents or siblings who get their way when they are aggressive. Unfortunately some of the children in the family learn that the angriest dog gets the bone.
Boundaries are needed when one partner tries to control the other. When someone invades your space physically or emotionally with discounting your needs, manipulation, bullying or abuse, your personal boundaries are violated. Power and force to get one’s way and causes the other person to submit are the hallmarks of boundary transgressions. When you give yourself away taking care of others without looking out for yourself in a relationship, resentment and anger can build up resulting in your feeling like a martyr and victim.
You have certain rights of being emotionally and physically safe within any relationship. Assertiveness is always about finding the balance between aggression and submission. Boundary violations happen when one partner does not accept responsibility for their own inappropriate actions and blames the other person for their own problems. Blaming the other person when things goes wrong is a defense mechanism called projection. It is a reversal of taking responsibility for one’s self.
Read more on the author’s website for additional information on appropriate boundaries.
Author: Lynne Namka, Ed. D.